You're Addicted to Guilt.

Can't get yourself to do anything

cc: a spiritual evolution

Let's call him, 'Z.'

I knew Z for a while. We shared the same communities, interests, and probably mentors. 

But one thing I didn't think we'd share is a moment so vulnerable and honest that one would think we're best of friends or tilting towards it.

People have a way of trusting me enough to open up.

What happened?

Amid hundreds of messages, I saw one from Z bordering on how urgent he wanted to say something to me. 

Being in the space that I am, I get that a lot. But for some reason, I saw this barely five minutes after it dropped.

I guess the universe was telling me to be there for this one, fast. I listened and paused the 5,000-word piece I was putting together.

You could say his stars aligned perfectly. 

'Talk to me,' I said in my usual way.

'What's the matter?' my question followed after.

I didn't know that was all it took to open a 'poetic' floodgate of emotions. But I indulged it. 

(Why was 'poetic' necessary? you’ll see in a bit)

But first, here's a little to know about Z. 

Z is a very ambitious person. He knew of his capacity to achieve his dreams and anything he set his mind to. 

Still a student, a big appetite for the fine things of life, and well, 

Without giving too much away, he's the average Nigerian kid with the ‘American Dream.’

But on this day, in our conversation, he felt the need to open up about feeling like a fraud.

To his goals, his family, and the thing that triggered his release clause, his friendships. 

I saw someone vulnerable and honest about his flaws (something tough to come by), and I listened.

But above everything, two things struck me. 

It might seem weird, but I've noticed this with highly intelligent and highly broken people. 

He was madly SELF AWARE and Shakespearian with his sadness. 

It was almost as if he'd rehearsed those lines over and over again, in his head, to himself and anyone who cared to listen.

In fact, this was my first response.

If you weren't grounded, you'd get carried away by his expression's rhythm, white spacing, and poetic nature rather than the expression itself and of itself. 

That raised a brow, and now I'm sure of WHY.

It's why I'm writing this to help anyone like us out there.

You see,

One thing many of us are gifted with in this generation is our ability to SEE.

See far enough that the possibilities of being PRESENT blind us.

We thought knowing the problem was all we needed to know, and motivation to do better and be better would come from nowhere like adrenaline.

But one too many times, even with all our self-awareness, knowledge of our flaws and problems,

Like a director in a scene, we watch ourselves steer head-first into a ditch, 

And like a scriptwriter, we poetically write an epistle on how stupid we were, how stupid we are, and how stupid we might continue to be.

One thing misery loves more than company, is a page of blood, sweat, and tears dedicated to it

~ Leader Bill.

Must be something in the water we drink, but we have a way of worshipping sadness and eulogizing guilt.

So much so that we almost crave it, we're comfortable in it. Anything that feels good feels like life's way of saying,

"Enjoy for a minute, for the shege ahead awaits."

And instead of saying YES to this flenjour because life will always have its problems, we find a way to soil it in anticipation of the worst. 

I do not blame us. 

I have a theory on how social media, the gaslighting of technology into making the world a 'global village,' and the urge to be relatable to the Western ideology of 'problems' contribute to this.

But that's a story for another day, another book perhaps.

For now, let's focus on Z, and all of us like him. And I'd add more context.

If you're like Z, you're probably also,

1. The go-to person in your friend group for solid advice;

2. Always get the compliments, “wise beyond your years” (you never had a childhood);

3. Good at too many things, you don't know how to choose one (and it cripples your ability to make progress in your career);

4. Believe joy makes you lazy;

5. You're THE SIGNPOST. You seem to have the right advice for everyone, and help them get results. Everyone but YOURSELF. 

The clarity that frees others, blinds you, molds you into being the most self-aware bum on the planet.

This is getting long, but I'd open your eyes to another thing, briefly

Devilishly enough, you get high on being right about being in the wrong. 

There's something empowering about being your own therapist, huh? Being able to look at yourself and know all the curves that harbour that secrets and edges that would cut if anyone gets too close. 

I know, been there. 

But, it's a trap, don't get lost in it.

If there's one thing I've learned and still learn, it is that as humans, we always have flaws, something to work on, something we can be better at.

If you tug at everything wrong about you, you'd get overwhelmed and gaslight yourself into believing you're God's mistake, and,

Taking a step to be better at one thing would seem fruitless, because you can't take a thousand steps to become a perfect human tomorrow.

And Dear Z, 

No one can. 

That is how you wind up at 32, with bare minimum improvement, wondering how time flew (that's if you survive being duped by the numerous shortcuts to different things.)

As a fellow Z, and one that doesn't know how to leave without giving a solution (like we know how to,)

Here is one tip that could help your steady climb out of this rot. 

If you did economics in school, you would have heard of the "Opportunity Cost" ladder.

Yes I know you want to have a first class, and a banging body, and get closer with God, and make your first thousand dollars online, and retire your parents, and, and….

But, you and I know that won't happen at once. 

The God of time and seasons knew what he was doing. 

So, Z,

Create a ladder and rank the most pressing part of your life, from the part that needs attention NOW to the one that needs it least. 

Pair it with the status quo of where you're at and ask yourself, "What do I really want at this juncture in my life?"

Be honest, at 2.15 am, when no one would disturb you. Don't write it on one hand and scroll to the next video on the other. 

It's harder than it sounds. 

And whence you're done, focus ruthlessly on top 1, top 2 if you like the game.

I'm not saying ignore others, but the hack is, once you can get yourself to do one thing, and you watch yourself win, the willpower to do the others will fall into place.

Better to end the year with four big wins than none. 

Problem is, you thought self-loathing will trigger willpower to do everything at once. 

How's that going?

We know the answer to that. 

Free yourself from being addicted to the seductiveness of guilt. 

I promise, your creativity isn't 100% tied to your sadness. You only made it a habit and routine.

Break the cycle. 

I'll leave you with one powerful hack I got from Jay Shetty. One that made me feel not so bad about doom scrolling on Instagram;

"If you win at something, take 24 hours to celebrate and move on to the next. If you lose at something, take 24 hours to mourn and…”

~ Jay Shetty."

From one Z to another, I truly hope this helps.

Whew, 

Tough way to start a Monday morning huh. 

But a great way to self-reflect and start Q2. Which reminds me,

Happy New Month, Pilot.

I have missed writing to you. 

Tell me all about how you've been in the comments.

Or for more intimacy, write me at thepassageartletters@gmail.com. You know I love mail. 

Hope this wasn't too violent. It's for our good, you know.

While reading this, one friend came to mind. Show this to her or him. Let's help the Z in our lives stop wasting potential. 

Till my pen graces your screen next time,

To piloting 🥂💜.